Lately, i’ve had mental blocks, breakdowns and moments where i’ve wanted to scream and pull my hair out. Recently, I was venting to a friend, and she posed me a question
If you hate it so much, why do you do it?
My first thing that pops into my mind is, what else would I do? I can’t see myself at the end of a telephone, selling something to someone. Or spending weeks on end sitting at a desk, doing an office job. I can’t see myself being a psychologist, a doctor, a lawyer, a marine biologist, occupational therapist of whatever else all my other friends are studying at university.
The short answer? I love it.
The long answer? I can’t see myself doing anything else. In 11th grade I moved schools and enrolled in a film and TV class, thinking I could just watch movies and avoid doing physics three times a week. Next thing I knew, I was dropping everything and moved across state, leaving my family and all of my friends behind. I wasn’t worried because I knew this was for me.
Now, after many tears, headaches and after physically making myself sick with stress, my thoughts haven’t changed. The way I see it, if filmmaking doesn’t make you feel horrible and stressed at times, are you really challenging yourself and doing the best you can? Going through all these emotions just show how passionate I am about this career, even if I only know a small percentage of everything that goes on in this crazy world. I feel everything happens for a reason, and maybe this is where it all leads to.
There’s nothing better than after weeks and weeks of torture, and I mean torture, is seeing an outcome, seeing an edit come together beautifully, or even seeing a finished script. That feeling is what keeps me going.
I guess i’m writing this blog post for future me, because I’m near the end of my degree and it’s only going to get harder from now on. After December, I don’t have a safety net. But for now, I just got to get my head in the game and keep on goin’ on.
Hopefully I have more news for you soon!
– D.